THE QUEEN OF CETERIS PARIBUS

[Verse 1] In an office full of chaos, there’s someone we know, Who can tame any dataset with a magical glow. Give her numbers and deadlines and she’ll make them all dance, Turn confusion into clarity like it never stood a chance. But leave her unattended? Oh, you’re in for a ride — A simple idea becomes three models side-by-side. What began as “don’t treat customers differently, please,” Becomes a 90-variable masterpiece. [Pre-Chorus] She’ll explain what the numbers say — patient as a saint, Adding “ceteris paribus” to every published complaint. And when she laughs, oh boy, clear your calendar now — Once it starts, the whole building is doubled over somehow. [Chorus] Ohhhh the queen of ceteris paribus, Turning maths into magic — come on, sing it with us. So patient, so positive, a warm-hearted pro, With an irresistible laugh that steals every show. Oh the queen of ceteris paribus, Walking cliffs, cooking feasts that are borderline dangerous… The charts, the laughs, the warmth she brings — Yeah, the office just feels better when she’s doing her thing. [Verse 2] She can cook like a legend — Indian flavours so bold, The kind of meals you remember… and still dream about cold. Travels, adventures — she’ll go anywhere new, (If Aurigny behaves… which it rarely will do.) Baby of the family with a heart full of cheer, Jovial and kind — she brings holiday spirit all year. Ghost of Christmas Present? That fits just right, Spreading warmth, joy, and patience, and her signature light. [Pre-Chorus] She’s a walking heartwarming adventure, wrapped in a smile, Makes the workplace feel brighter every once in a while. And when she gets giggling — oh, abandon all plans, It spreads through the office like festival bands. [Chorus] Ohhhh the queen of ceteris paribus, Turning maths into magic — come on, sing it with us. So patient, so positive, a warm-hearted pro, With an irresistible laugh that steals every show. Oh the queen of ceteris paribus, Walking cliffs, cooking feasts that are borderline dangerous… The charts, the laughs, the warmth she brings — Yeah, the office just feels better when she’s doing her thing. [Bridge – soft, sweet, funny] Ninety variables later, she’ll say with a grin: “It’s simple… once you understand the model within.” And we pretend we follow — nodding along, But honestly? We’re just here for her laugh and this song. [Final Chorus] Ohhhh the queen of ceteris paribus, Smiling, shining, lifting all of us. If kindness were a currency, she’d own the whole tree, And her laughter alone could solve half our policy. Yeah, the charts and spreadsheets might be her domain — But the joy that she brings? That’s the real champagne.