The Ballad of Hookton's Horn

[Verse 1] Sir Thomas rode south with his longbow and pride, And a codpiece so bold it could not be denied. He fought for a relic, or so he declared— But mostly for wenches and wine he was snared. [Chorus] 🍷 Oh, raise up your tankards and lower your guard, For the tales of the field are both bloody and hard. He came for a sword, but he found something more— A nun with a dagger and morals quite poor! [Verse 2] The French brought their knights with their lances held high, But Hookton just laughed with a glint in his eye. He said, “I’ve no armor, no title, no shame— But I’ve got a fine aim and a better endgame.” [Bridge] There’s a monk who drinks port from a bishop’s old boot, And a priest who confesses while pinching your fruit. There’s a relic they seek, but it’s likely a fake— Like the chastity vow that young maid tried to take. [Verse 3] At Poitiers they clashed, and the arrows did fly, While Hookton was wooing a duchess nearby. He said, “W*r is for fools, but I’ll take the reward— And maybe a tumble with someone well-bored.” [Chorus] 🍷 So raise up your tankards and lower your guard, For the tales of the field are both bloody and hard. He came for a sword, but he found something more— A nun with a dagger and morals quite poor! [Outro – Spoken with flair or sung softly] So here’s to Sir Thomas, that rogue with a grin, Who fought for a cause—and a few rounds of sin. If you seek holy relics, beware what you find… For the devil’s in trousers, not just in the mind.