BAD SANTAS BENDER

[Intro] (Sound of glass shattering) (Sound of a heavy body hitting the floor hard) (Groan): F**K... my back... (Drums k**k in - messy punk b**t) [Verse 1] The fire was out, but the chimney was tight I came down the flue like a meteorite I’m twelve whiskeys deep and I can’t feel my toes I got soot in my crack and some coke up my nose! Stumbled to the tree, looking for a spot To h**g up the ornaments that I forgot But I ran out of tinsel, so I improvised Grabbed a roll of TP that had been utilized! Used toilet paper, brown and yellow stains Draped it on the branches like festive remains! Then I grabbed the l**e bottle from my velvet sack And greased up the pine needles, front to back! (Slippery!) [Chorus] HO! HO! NO! I’m drunk as a skunk and I’m ready to blow! I hate your kids and I hate your wife I hate every choice that I made in my life! Merry Fucking Christmas, you suburban clown! Santa’s in the house and he’s b*****g it down! [Verse 2] Crawled to the mantle, saw the stockings hung Looking for candy for the old and the young But I ate all the chocolate on the sleigh ride here So I reached in my pants for some holiday cheer! I didn’t have coal, I didn’t have toys So I left giant dildos for the girls and the boys! Pink ones, black ones, vibrant and veiny Stuffed in the socks, looking distinctively brainy! Then I saw the presents wrapped up on the floor I stomped on the boxes 'til my boots were sore! CRUNCH goes the Xbox! SNAP goes the bike! I crushed every present that your children like! [Bridge] (Music stops abruptly) (Sound of Santa chewing loudly and spitting) I saw the plate on the table... "Cookies and Milk" What is this? Almond milk? Gluten-free... soy bean... vegan bullshit?! (Sound of a table flipping) I wrote you a note with a Sharpie on the wall: "I'd rather eat bacon than this hippie trash! Keep your soy beans, I want cholesterol!" [Guitar Solo] (Sounds like a guitar being smashed against a radiator) [Outro] I stumbled outside, feeling sick in the gut The reindeer were waiting, getting cold in the butt Rudolph looked at me, with his nose glowing red He pissed on your front door until it was d**d! A stream of yellow acid, peeling the paint! Then Dasher and Dancer, showing no restraint They squatted right down on your welcome mat And took a massive, steaming, reindeer shat! (Laughter) Merry Christmas to all! And to all a good fright! (Sound of sleigh taking off and crashing immediately)