All I Really Want For Christmas..

[Verse 1] Well, the snow is fallin' on the rooftop And the turkey's been carved and ate But there's a storm brewin' inside this house, folks And it's drivin' me to a funny fate I wrote my letter to ol' Santa And I sealed it up with care Just one simple little request, sir For a family that's... well, over there! [Chorus] 'Cause all I want for Christmas is a brand new family! Traded in for one that's sane! A wife who doesn't watch them stories Where folks die in the rain! A son who knows what "outside" is! A daughter dressed in more than lace! Yeah, all I want for Christmas Is to swap out this whole case! [Verse 2] Now my lovely wife, my darlin' Eleanor She's a permanent couch design With a bowl of bon-bons in her lap And a glass of the cheap wine She's cryin' over "The Sands of Sorrow" While the laundry forms a pile She just yelled, "He's not the father!" And I haven't smiled in quite a while! And my boy, my genius offspring He's a legend in his own console His only friends are controllers And a warlock with a troll He says, "Just one more game, I promise!" As he battles through the night I asked him for a hug last Tuesday He said, "Dad, you're out of sight... line." [Chorus] Oh, all I want for Christmas is a brand new family! One straight off the TV screen! A wife who might get off the sofa! A son who's on the football team! A daughter who don't paint me foolish! Is that too much to ask from you? Yeah, Santa, check your listin's I need a whole damn crew! [Verse 3] Then there's my pride and joy, my Jenny She's a fashion trend all her own In an outfit fit for summer When there's six inches of snow on the lawn I say, "Wear a coat! It's freezing!" She just rolls her eyes and sighs Says, "Dad, you're so embarrassing!" And her boyfriend's got three piercings in his eyes! [Bridge] So I sat by the fire, all frustrated Watchin' the sparks fly up the flue Just dreamin' of some peace on earth And a quieter interview... Then I heard my boy laugh, truly laugh At some victory he'd just won And my wife brought me a cookie, sayin' "Darlin', your show's about to come on." And my daughter, shiverin' from the cold Came and stole my old warm robe And curled up right here beside me On this lumpy, crowded road... [Chorus] But I don't want a new family... No, I guess that ain't the truth... They might be a little broken But they're my beautiful, glued booth... My wife's couch-cushion kingdom Is a place I love to land... My son's a digital hero... And I finally shook that boyfriend's hand... [Outro] So forget the letter, Santa! Tear it up and let it fly! This chaotic, crazy circus Is my perfect lullaby! The soap operas and the headshots And the bon-bon sugar highs! Yeah, they're my Christmas chaos... And the love I realize! They're my Christmas chaos! The sparkle in my eyes! Merry Christmas, you crazy people! You're my favorite, wild prize!